Reflections on a DNF...
It’s not an if, it’s a when.
My energy had been low, too low, for way too long. Everything felt hard, too hard. I was 40 miles into the Dark Divide 100 miler, and things were unraveling fast, very, very fast. Looking back, it’s been over 4 months, wow, that’s long... but looking back, I definitely made mistakes. I could blame it on not taking caffeine when I had the chance, or on not willing myself to shuffle the last 2 downhill miles into the Wright Meadow aid station instead of sad-walking it in at mile 51.
But when I hit the Snag Tooth aid station at mile 43, I was still in problem-solving mode, and I was mentally still in the game enough to remember that
“ IT CAN ALWAYS GET BETTER! ”
So I sat down and started down the mental checklist.
Was my stomach still a mess... check
When was the last time I ate something... 2+ hours ago
What resources did I have to get me back on the trail? Turns out not that many.
Snag Tooth Aid was little more than a glorified water stop with a handful of prepackaged Walking Tamales and a few boxes of spring energy gels.
I had plenty of liquid calories, something my body was not into at the moment, and some little blueberry and oatmeal square sammies, which are actually quite good when your stomach is not on strike.
I had been dry heaving every time I took a sip of water, and because I had not eaten in hours, I had nothing in my stomach. So I decided it was time for a hard reset. I pulled the emergency bivy from my pack. Set an alarm for 30 min and, with my vest as a pillow, tried to sleep off the sour stomach that was to be my undoing. I reset that alarm 2 other times.
In fits I slept, the exhaustion was absolute... completely absolute. During one of my fits of sleep in a place between reality, I heard one of the guys at the aid station talking about the walking tamales, how there was one left, and how they were keen to try one. I raised my hand from the abyss and said:
“I would like to claim the last walking tamale.”
There was an audible thud as the tamale landed next to my head. I fell back into the abyss.
When I finally rose from my stupor, I thought I had done it. I felt rather good. I ate the tamale and was amazed that it went down and stayed down. Quickly, I put on every bit of clothing I had made moves out of the aid station. This is where I should have taken one of the 200mg caffeine tablets, my only source of caffeine. That one move might have saved my race. Honestly, I was not even thinking about caffeine... Rookie Mistake.
As I made the climb out of the aid station, I warmed up, removed a layer, and my gloves, and kept making steady progress on the steep AF climb out. I had taken a few of the spring gels with me and managed to get half of one down. I thought this was good. You got this. Just keep moving. You got this. Then, about an hour after I left aid, I dry heaved, and my stomach lurched back to that oh so fragile place, and I felt so, so tired. I set an alarm on my phone for 12 minutes and lay on the ground. A quick dirt nap would do the trick. It didn’t.
It took me almost 7 hours to go 10 miles. Things got bad, utterly terrible. When I hit the aid station at Wright Meadow, I knew I was done. Even when the RD said I had 15 min to turn it around, I was so done.
30 minutes later in the car with the RD and two other lost souls after eating a Cup-O-Noodle and drinking a Ginger Ale, I felt right as rain.
Since then, I have thought a lot about what went wrong that day, and, more importantly, about the weeks leading up to Dark Divide.
Suppose I am being honest with myself. I set myself up for failure. I decided to sign up for the race 10 days before the event. While I was prepared training-wise to run a hard hundred emotinally I put myself in a hole, between putting the cost of the race on a 0 apr credit card, yeah I am the apitamy of a Ya Boi Scott Jeric meme, plus the hard convo with my wife three days before I flew out that I was gonna do the reace, yeah that did not go over well, add that with travel across the country and it was a recipe for desaster when things turned sideways during the race.
Which is why having your house in order, and when it comes to the crazy running goals you have, is not just important, it is necessary for minimizing the stress around an event.
Because the old training adage holds not just in how you adapt to your training, but also in how you show up and perform for your events
Stress – Is Stress – Is Stress – Is Stress
While I made mistakes in the execution of the race, which I believe directly led to the unraveling at Dark Divide. I cannot underscore how mentally murky I was at the time and how I had piled on stress in my personal life by prioritizing my athletic goals over clear communication. I had an attitude of asking for forgiveness rather than working with my family to create space for the acceptance of my needs in the situation.
Finding the balance between life, work, and training is a recurring theme I routinely unpack with the guests on the pod. It is the most essential part of being an ultra athlete because you have to constantly juggle the sacrifices needed to show up and toe the start line.
And while I love doing hard things, what’s the point if having these personal goals erodes the most important relationships in my life?
What I am eating this month.
So this will be all about how I am fueling during the winter months here in Asheville, where temps can be anywhere from a cold 10* in th morning to 60* midday. Recently, temps have been downright cold, I mean, way below freezing when you factor in the real feel temperature.
As I start my build for Hellbender 100 in May, I’ve been using Hyperlyte Liquid Performance on every long run and workout. For endurance efforts and longer runs, I go half strength—about 50 grams of carbs and 500mg of sodium per bottle. It’s been the sweet spot for me: keeps me fueled without overdoing it when the pace is more relaxed.
Then, in my quality sessions, hill repeats, tempo intervals, and steady state runs, I’ve been bumping it up to full strength. Thats 100 grams of carbs and 1000 mg of sodium for a bigger carb and electrolyte hit when the effort goes way up. I’ve really noticed the difference in energy levels, especially in the back half of those sessions.
It’s super easy on the stomach, mixes clean, and works for me, plus you never have to worry about your bottles freezing on you when the temps plummet overnight, even though you still need to get out the door for the predawn patrol.
HYPERLYTE LIQUID PERFORMANCE
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To supplement my calories and carbs during all my runs, I love throwing these chocolate crepes from Whole Foods into the vests and waist pockets of my shorts.
The thing I love about them is that, even when the temps are in the teens, they do not freeze into bricks like the bricks that bars tend to turn into, and they are super easy to eat on the run with a decent amount of carbs plus a little fat. It’s also great to put some real food in the shoot when I am relying on liquid calories. And for less than a buck a piece, they are cheaper than even the cheapest gels.
Chocolate Crepes Macos
Calories: 140 | Total Fat: 5g | Total Carbs: 22g | Protein: 2g | Iron: 1mg
Episodes not to be missed:
Dark Divide Recap
If you want to dive deeper into my race at Dark Divide, don’t miss this one. I sat down with my good friend Jon Eisen from the Running With Problems podcast to unpack the full meltdown, from missed cutoffs to dirt naps and the moment I knew I was done. It’s honest, a little messy, and a reminder of why the hard stuff matters.
EP 100 LAZ
For Episode 100, I had the absolute honor of sitting down with Lazarus Lake and getting to know the man behind the myth, Gary Cantrell. We talked about way more than races, digging into fatherhood, humility, and what it means to lead by example. It was a side of Gary I didn’t expect and one I’m really grateful to share.
EP 98 Jered Beasley
In this episode, I talk with author and journalist Jered Beasley about his new book The Endurance Artist, which dives deep into the life of Lazarus Lake and the origin stories behind some of ultrarunning’s most legendary races. Jered shares what it was like earning Laz’s trust, uncovering forgotten events like the Idiot’s Run, and experiencing the raw beauty of Barkley and Backyard from behind the scenes. It’s a conversation about grit, storytelling, and the strange magic of doing hard things.
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Alright fiends, my promise to you is to get our more dispatches from the midpack in 2026.
Until then thanks for all your support and consider becoming a paid supporter of my work on substack.
Bless,
Troy